I Like You Just the Way I Am by Jenny Mollen

Author:Jenny Mollen [Mollen, Jenny]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: Actress, Biography & Autobiography, Essays, Humor, Nonfiction, Retail
ISBN: 9781466838581
Google: HKrcAgAAQBAJ
Amazon: B00HTJBD4M
Barnesnoble: B00HTJBD4M
Publisher: St. Martin's Press
Published: 2014-06-17T04:00:00+00:00

8.

Chicks Before Dicks

It took me years to learn how to be friends with girls. And to be honest, I’m still not great at it. Not because I’m one of those whores who’s desperate for male attention, but more because I’ve always feared getting close to one of those whores who’s desperate for male attention. You know, the girl who if given the opportunity would fuck your husband right in front of you. And not like, fuck his brains out twenty years from now while your lifeless ashes sit in an urn on the living room mantel, more like accidentally fall on his penis after too much wine in a hot tub while you’re asleep (because she drugged you with Benadryl) on a bench next to them. There are just women you can trust and women you can’t. As a precaution, I’ve spent the majority of my life not trusting any of them.

I’m not saying that all women will stab you in the back over a man. Some will stab you in the back for other reasons. And to be honest, it’s not completely their fault. We live in a society that propagates the notion that a successful woman is hot; has perfect teeth and hair; loves giving blow jobs; drinks beer but doesn’t gain weight; has a boyfriend she isn’t sick of after two years of him not proposing; looks young enough to still get carded buying cigarettes; dresses like she works for Anna Wintour; and never looks like she’s trying as hard as she’s actually trying to be motherfucking perfect.

When you put unrealistic expectations on people, they inevitably fall short, start to feel inadequate, and try to fuck your husband. It’s just science, people! As a result, the female species is at odds with itself. Every woman is a threat in some way or another because we’ve bought in to the lie that love and approval are given to only a select few. But those few are never girls you actually know. They are the elusive women of the Vanity Fair “Fairground” section. They are the strangers you secretly follow on Instagram. And they are the bitches you hear telling Giuliana Rancic they never break out. This feeling of falling short makes people desperate. And when women are desperate, they get crazy. Again, science!

I’m just as much a competitive psycho cunt as the next girl. As an actress, or actr-ish, I’m jealous of everyone, regardless of gender or age. Sometimes parents will ask me how they go about getting their kids into acting, and my first thought is never, Oh how cute! It’s always, Fuck your kid! I will fucking cut your kid! If they think they are just gonna waltz into a business that has bled my soul dry for over a decade and snag an NCIS: Los Angeles guest spot out from under me, they are gonna have to pry it out of my cold dead hands! No way! No fucking way!

As an adult, I’ve come to terms with the reality of my situation.

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